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Trembling...in anticipation....

I'm an Attention Whore

Chris J. Canatsey
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Skipped Back 10

January 11th, 2011

IC: First meetings

Alfred climbed in through the back window into Sally's room. He was quietly tiptoes across the hall, his steps muffled by soft pink slippers and his clothing wrapped tightly around his body with a silk sash. Peering into Gypsy and Solomon's room through a crack, making sure they're both asleep, Alfred makes his way into the small child's nursery and shuts the door.

Creeping across the floor, he gazes down into the crib and looks down upon the small bundle tightly wrapped up for the first time. A smile, soft and friendly, creeps across his face as he watches the sleeping form. "Hey Faith, mind if we have a chat? I figured you'd like some time away from everyone before we sat down and talked." Alfred reached down tenderly and carefully, pulling Faith into his arms as he goes to rest in the chair in the corner. He rocks her as she gives a small pout before she falls back asleep.

"How are ya liking the world kiddo? Kinda a big and scary place huh? I wish I could say it gets a bit better...but not really. There are jerks, rude people, mean guys who want to take advantage of you all over the place. Sadly, you'll remember them more than the good times I feel..." Alfred sighs softly, stroking her small cheek with his index finger. "The world is a scary place, but it has its wonder and mystery. There are new discoveries every day, and the world is in an exciting time. Now is a great time to be living, and you're gonna have a blast."

Alfred rocks her slowly, letting her suckle on his fingertip in her sleep. "Now, I know I'm gonna be your Uncle Michael...but that doesn't mean I'm just gonna spoil ya rotten then hand you back to your parents. I'm gonna have a hand in raising you too...you're the closest thing I'll have to a daughter really. Someone's got to teach you ballet, nail painting, color coordination and how to walk in heels...lord knows your mother would ave you in sneakers and purple hoodies her whole life if she could help it. Naw, someone's got to teach you to be a lady, even if its a gay man." Alfred chuckles, looking up at his reflection in a mirror for a moment before shuddering.

"Some practical advice hun. Never be afraid to be anyone but you. Be yourself in everything you do, and never let anyone hold you back. Never compromise yourself to suit other people...don't make your Uncle's mistakes. Also, chewing gum make syou look dumb so chew it often in high School to keep people from cheating off you. Boys are gonna try and hook up with you early on, you're gonna be a heart breaker hun. I'm not gonna say anything about waiting till marriage or that jazz...just follow your heart. And for the love of god use protection, we don't need another mini-thing running around too early." Alfred chuckles, his eyes watering up a bit.

"Live each day like it's your last faith. I know that doesn't mean much to you now...but you'll want to remember that for the future. Leave no regrets, try everything once, explore every possibility. Because you'll always have people to catch you should you fall, should you error and make a mistake. You got a great pair of parents, and one hell of a family at your back when you're in need. Plenty of people to help you out, even Gabe when he's not drunk." Alfred smirks a bit at his joke. "And most of all, you have your Uncle Alfie."

Alfred winces subconsciously as he speaks his True Name aloud, then bends down to kiss Faith's forehead. A small tear drops from his eye onto her nose, and she scrunches it up. "I'll always be there for you Faith, no matter what. You're my Faith, my wisdom and my hope. I know it's a lot to put on such young shoulders...but I know you can manage."

Alfred lets out a sigh, feeling the magic flow from him. His nimbus flairs, the steel fairy wings erupting from his back as he holds Faith close and cocoons them both inside the protective shell. For an instant, a shimmer of white life, connecting their hearts, appears before it disappears. Faith begins to huff for her evening feeding and Alfred chuckles. "I take it time for your nummies. I'll leave you be...good talk tonight kiddo. I'll see you later."

Just as quietly as he came, ALfred tiptoes out of the house as Faith begins to cry for her food. He glides back out the open window, shutting it behind him and creeping bac into the darkness which seems just a bit brighter.

December 20th, 2010

IC: Fear

An excerpt from the journal of Sergio, loyal servant to Prince Alejandro -

"My Master had been barely home an hour when the message arrived. Clyde, a fellow servant to the Kings and a frequent messenger for Masters Grandsire, came running up the steps at almost a blur of speed. He was panting, looking shabby and ill-dressed while clutching a roll of parchment and a CD to his chest as if his very life depended on it (which, knowing the Masters Grandsire...it very well may have).

"Greetings Mr. Clyde, do you have a message for my Master?" I spoke as I always do, polite and firm, yet I struggled to hide a growing feeling of unease in my gut.

"I do. My Master says it is most urgent that his Grandchilde read this and watch this CD." Clyde tried to regain his composure, but its obvious he was standing and speaking through sheer force of will.

I waved over one of the household servants to relieve him and take him to the kitchen for bread and water, while I personally took the packages into the Masters private chambers. Master sat behind his desk, overlooking various reports he had received on various events in his sphere of influence. I do not pretend to understand the hows and why's of many of it, but I know he rarely enjoys being bothered while reading his reports. The look up from his glasses and the cold stare into my eyes was a sure sign of his displeasure.

I bowed low, kneeling even. "Forgive me Master, but your Grandsire the contents of his package are most important and must be examined immediately". I hold up the parchment and CD, and he lightly takes them from my hands.

"Thank you Sergio, please wait outside." He begins to unroll the parchment, placing the CD into the video imaging device on his desk just for such occurrences. I quickly made my way out of his chamber and stood outside the door, waiting for his next whim.

It had been fifteen long minutes, before Master threw open the doors to his chamber. Such a forceful action took us all by surprise, and we scrambled to stand and bow. e waved his hand, and looked directly at me and spoke thus, "Cancel my meeting with the Archon, I will not be flying out tonight. Also, clear my schedule and bring me a fresh notebook for the year 2011. Cancel my appointments, do not give them a reason. I must speak with the Primogen Council, draft a message and retrieve our fastest runner."

It was then that I felt terror.

Master never canceled his appointments, he rescheduled. Master would not dare to insult an Archon he had been negotiating with for over three weeks, nor would he demand I clear his schedule and bring him a new notebook. Something had gone wrong, terribly wrong, for my Master to change all of his plans for the next year by requiring a new scheduler. Never, in my 189 years of serving Master Alejandro, had he ever done this. Something was terribly wrong.

Before he walked off to change his attire for more formal wear, I saw just the tiniest glimmer within Masters eyes. It was, for the briefest of moments, a spark of fear that welled up within my Master. A spark, it seems, he was quickly working on extinguishing. But a spark nonetheless. And I had never seen my Master show even the smallest flicker of fear.

I looked back to the room, to the video imaging device. I am unsure what is on that CD, but the thought of its contents fill me with such dread.

Dark times are ahead."

December 3rd, 2010

Christmas List Of DOOOOM

As usual, here is my incredibly large Christmas wishlit. You wanna get me a gift? Pick something from here folks :). I'm moving into a brand new apartment, so there will be a theme of that in the near future ;)

Furniture -

. Writing Desk
. Bookshelf
. Shelves
. TV stand
. Dresser
. Couch
. Loveseat covers
. Coffee Table
. Patio Chairs

Appliances -

. Microwave
. Blender
. Vacum
. Coffee Maker

Electronics -

. 30 inch flatscreen TV
. XBOX 360
. Fable 2 (xbox 360)
. fable 3 (xbox 360)
. Rock Band 3 (xbox 360)
. Wall Clock
. Digital camera
. World of Warcraft game cards (lets me play for 2 months!)
. World of Warcraft: Cataclym
. Microsoft Office 2010
. Ipad
. mp3 player

Books -

. Autumn Nightmares
. Rites of Spring
. Lords of Summer
. Winter Masques
. Swords at Dawn
. Minds Eye Theater: Mage the Awakening
. Free council book
. Adamantine Arrow book
. Summoners book
. Stormrage
. Revised Ventrue Clanbook
. Revised Gangrel Clanbook
. Minds Eye Theater: World of Darkness core book
. Dungeon Masters Guide 4.0
. 4.0 Players handbook 3
. Equinox Roads

Movies -

. Any Disney Movie (Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc)
. Scot Pilgram vs. The World
. Alice in Wonderland
. Chocolat'
. Glee Season 1

Kitchen shtuff -

. Pots and pan set
. Knife set
. Spatula and ladle set
. Fridge magnets (silly ones)
. Oven Mitts
. Decorative spices
. Ice Cream Maker
. Popcorn machine (the one that pops the kernels with the whirling sound!)
. Wine rack

Random -

. Glee Season 1 music set
. Rockey Horror Glee Show CD
. Love Never Dies soundtrack
. Gas cards
. Giftcards (wal-mart, Lowes, Target, Starbucks, etc)
. Stamps
. Envelopes
. Pens
. Index Cards
. counter (The one you hold in your hand and click to count stuff with)
. Settlers of Catan expansion set
. Red Dragon Inn (and the expansion kit)
. Magic: the Gathering booster packs
. Deck of cards
. Texas Hold'em Poker set
. Pocketwatch
. Can of spray on glitter
. Socks
. Khaki shorts
. Khaki pants
. Towels
. Welcome mat

November 26th, 2010

IC: Something seems off

smexy wolf :)
Alfred slowly pulls himself up from bed, being careful not to disturb his companion. Striding nude across the floor of his room, he walks into his huge closet and shuts the door. He turns on the small lamp inside, and simply stares at himself in the mirror for several minutes. Alfred runs his hands over his body, feeling the texture and every scar along his flesh. He examines the tattoo work all over his flesh, hiding the numerous scars. He runs his hands up his face, fingertips barely grazing the skin as he looks through his hair. Even Alfred's eyes hid scars, but that of the emotional and mental type.

Is it supposed to hurt like this?

It had been several weeks since Alfred left the Guardians. He tried to keep it as clean, as separate as possible. He sat down, spent weeks agonizing over the choice. Talking with friends and family, consulting with his Peers in the Order, observations and prayer...all avenues led Alfred to the same choice. It was the right thing to do, both emotionally and mentally. He had rarely been so sure of a choice in his life. But ever sense that moment, it was if he had cut out a piece of his heart. First it started as a prick, but was growing to an empty feeling deep inside his soul.

Will I ever be whole again..?

Alfred tried examining other Orders. Too many people were excited to get an ex-Guardian...they always wanted him for his sills. They cared about his abilities, his training and his years of ruthless behavior. They wanted Sparkles, they wanted the image. It was a very few people who actually wanted Alfred, who asked him if he was OK or even wanted to know why he quit the Guardians in the first place. He felt like a cheap piece of meat, and so many Mages wanted a slice. Alfred was sick of it, sick of everything involved in the politics and strife of the Orders.

Will anyone want me for me...?

Alfred looks back at the sleeping man in his bed, and smiles softly. He walks back over and kneels next to the side of the bed, gently stroking Dario's face. He gazes down and admires every handsome feature on his face. Alfred thinks to his cousin and her bubbly smile, and to his best friend patiently (but nervously) awaiting her own special moment. Bending down and lightly kissing Dario's forehead, Alfred climbs back into bed and curls up next to him, wrapping an arm around Dario's waist and closing his eyes.

I have what I need right here...life is going to get better from here.

November 7th, 2010

My Father

smexy wolf :)
First, dear readers, I will apologize in advance. I am in a rather depressed state and I fear my writings after this will reflect this state of mind.  Please keep in mind, if you don't want to hear ramblings in the possibly depressed/emo/whiny-bitch state then feel free to skip over this and continue on to whatever someone else is posting.

Still with us? Excellent!

I started to write about why I create, why I LARP and do my other creative writings. Instead, I found my thoughts drawn to my father. No matter how I've tried to shake things about him, I cannot seem to do it this night. So, I shall write and hopefully express myself enough to finally have sleep.

My father was responsible for naming me, my mother wanted to call me Gabriel but my father won out. I am thankful, for I do so enjoy being called Christopher Jackson more than I would anything else. My earliest memories of my father were always tinged with sadness. Yes, as all young boys, my Father was the God-Figure in my life and many early memories are of me looking up to him. I idolized him, in so many ways. He was the man I wanted to grow up to be, to be just like him. Sadly, he was always working. Always working, always busy. The time I got to spend with him was precious yes, but it was always tinged with the sadness of knowing he would soon go and work. Or spend time with my sister, again.

Yes, my sister and I have had the typical sibling rivalry, she being only two years younger than I. We were still close in the early years, but it never escaped me that she seemed to have more of daddies attention or time. She had more similar interests to him, while Father and I began to grow apart. I tried to be interested...but I never cared about cars or mechanics, I didn't care about races or sports. I tried to be more like him, to do more of his things or show and express interests. But they all just...fell short. My sister, or his job, or Mom, or his family or everything else in the world always seemed to have his attention more than me. I lived for the times when it was just us, but they were few and far between.

My first forms of disappointment came when I was 9-11. I honestly can't remember the age, but I know it was 4th-5th grade years. I joined Boy Scouts, I loved it because I got to go out with the guys and just be guys and because my Dad would come along and it would just be us time. Except I was always struggling for it to be us time, it was frequently everyone +us time. I distinctly remember one day that we were returning from a camping trip and Dad was cranky and upset. He wanted me to hurry and finish unpacking so we could get home, and i hastened to do the task. I come around from the trailer to find the other boys having a water fight with the buckets they were supposed to be emptying. One of them runs up and splashes my Dad. Here it comes, I thought, my Dad's gonna go off on them because he wants them to stop goofing. Instead, he laughs and joins in the water fight. I quickly finish and race over to join, but find it's ended and my dad wants me to empty the water bucket I just filled and get in the car for home.

It was never anything large, nothing major. But little things here or there, they all dug tiny barbs into my skin and I began to wonder what I was doing wrong, or what was wrong with me. I grew farther away, and my sister grew closer as the years rolled on.

Not to say, because it needs pointing out, that my father was bad or didn't do things. Please, I don't want anyone to take that message that I had a shitty father who was worthless. He taught me so many things, and was there for me for so many things. I'm very thankful to have him in my life and i love him very much. but i just need to express this...to cleanse this wound the only way I know how.

Life took a turn for our family with out ill-fated move to Indiana for a few months. I started to notice my father becoming more withdrawn, and I noticed the habit he wished to keep from the rest of the family: pornography. It was my first real introduction into the world of sex (beyond some ill-fated earlier encounters) and I never spoke to him about it. It became our little secret, i felt in my head, that he would download these things and I knew about them. Part of my brain, for whatever reason, always rationalized these things as bad though (more on this later). I had a deep, primal fear that what he was downloading needed to be trashed. So, for about 2-3 years I would regularly check my computer after Dad had used it and deleted whatever pornographic items I found.

This, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to October 10th, 2002. I was called out of 4th period Math to the SRO's office. For those not in the know, SRO stands for School Resource Officer, which means for all intensive purposes the police had just asked to speak to me in private. Terrified much? Ya, you bet I was shaking I was so scared. I went down and sat in the office, where I was met by not only the SRO but a Federal Agent. Now, I was outright panicking because this was when the illegal music crackdown was starting to rear its ugly head and boy did I have a collection! It was explained to me, in point blank and no uncertain terms, that my Father had just been arrested this morning on the charges of possesion and distribution of Child Pornography and attempting to coerce a minor. To say I was stunned, would have been an insult to the word. I was informed that for the last year or so the FBI had been fishing for criminals and posing as underage girls and boys in aol chatrooms, and that for the past year they had hooked my Dad and built a criminal case around him. They had seized the computer as evidence and asked me a series of questions.

I was in shock. I was struck dumb, and it was as if I heard everything occurring around me echoed from miles away. They knew everything that had occurred in the past year as far as our family internet habts went. Passwords, screennames, websites logged into, even questioning if it was me who logged onto Everquest (providing me my account name, password, and character names as well). My privacy, which was something I was always fond of, had been so otherwise shattered into a million tiny pieces that I didn't know what to do. I was hurt and scared and terrified all at once. I just wanted my Father to make it all better, to fix everything like he always did.

I was in for a world of hurt.

My mother almost immediately began divorce proceedings. Life became very stressed and strained in my family, as my Dad moved in with his parents in Orlando and we remained in the house. They would try to get back together, then split apart again. My mother spiraled into drug and alcohol addiction, and my father spiraled into an angry and hateful man. Things frayed and nearly split between us, the bond of Father and SOn was put to one of its highest tests. I still don't know if it survived, sometimes I just pray it did and pretened it did...instead of seeing it for what it is now.

The fighitng between my parents grew and intensified...yet rarely did my father come to save the day. He would drive 3 hours to see my sister if she had a bad day, but never came for me. He drove over to help her with police issues, but never lifted a hand when I was having school issues. he tried his damnest to attend her soccer games or make sure she got what she needed. I always felt ignored, and he didn't come to my football games or my marching band evaluations. He once drove 3 hours to see my sister, because she had a bad day and a fight with mom and thus needed comforting. There was also a time that my dog was killed because both my parents were too busy fighitng with each other to get him any vet care, instead of a 3 hour drive to comfort me and help me through the tough time I got an angry and insulting voicemail from my grandfather blaming the issue on my mother.

When he fell under house arrest, things got worse for me. I began to explore my own perverse and kinky side (not ashamed of it, just calling it is :p) while under my aunt and uncles roof (hard right-wing Republicans...not the best choice). It ended with me getting kicked out of their house, and being confronted with my privacy violated again as my father and mother attempted to get me to see a shrink for my "issues". I ran, as fast and far from that house as I could. it wasn't my father who came to get me, it wasn't the one man on earth I wanted to comfort me and tell me everything was OK. It was my grandfather.

Yes, I know he couldn't have left the house without getting in trouble. But goddamn it he didn't have to get arrested in the first place. If he hadn't been arrested, he would have taught me to shave. He would have been there for me when I broke up with my first real girlfriend, instead of three 10 minute phone calls. He would have been there to help me through the tough times, when I needed a father to talk the birds and bee's with me when I had a pregnancy scare with a girlfriend I had no one. I would get letters telling me how to fix my car, instead of my Dad being hands on. He missed my graduation, because he was in jail.

I visited him, every chance I got while he was in prison. We never spent much time talking about me or my things though. It was always everything else in the world but me and my things. Krystine, my Mom, his friends, church, the family, everything else...when I just wanted him for myself. I wanted him to be there for me, I desperately wanted him to inquire about my life so I could talk about it and that be the only thing he's inetrested in. Yes, there were times when we managed to just be us...but they always seemed like never enough. Like how a single cup of water to a man dieing of thirst must feel. It happened enough though, that there are times I wish he was still in prison and still accessible to only me.

I have a memory, a favorite one that I cherish. My father was in prison, and it was Thanksgiving. My grandparents (who i was living with at the time after I moved to Orlando) had gone to California to visit my Aunt and Uncle, my sister was was in California as well living with said Aunt and Uncle, and my mother had bailed on me last minute (no surprise) to do something with her AA sponsor. Here I was, alone the day before Thanksgiving and seeing a pretty grim holiday...then I decided to drive out to the jail. I spent the night, waiting in line. I was the first one in, and Dad was already waiting for me when I got there. It was just the two of us, for 4 interrupted hours. We had apple cider from cans, slices of pre-made and cold pumpkin pie and turkey sandwiches.

I wish I had more of these memories.

After my Dad got out of prison, things seemed to be patching between us. We got a house together, but we ad grown apart. Things just felt...strained and stretched between us. He was always working, visiting strip clubs. I was always working, desperately trying to find a social life. Eventually my sister moved in, and things became all about her again. She was constantly getting in trouble, and Dad was constantly bailing her out. I moved out, and lived in freedom for two years. Two years that he and I grew fartehr apart, two years in which my sister continued to dominate his attention. She needed bailing out of jail for shoplifting? Not a problem. She had loans co-signed for fancy cars that she ruined from mis-care, or get fired and not work and have Dad cover her bills for her.

I move back to Orlando, and had to live with my parents for a short time. The first night...the very first night my parents and i are all together in 2 years. I cooked dinner, made everything nice. Then my sister tells us she's pregnant. Suddenly, my schooling and my life and my food doesn't get the time of day. it's all about her, and everything she wants and needs for the baby. She eventually quits her job, to be a stay-at-home mom and Dad continues to help support her financially. He gives her baby's daddy a job working for him to help them pay bills (mind you, I had to beg and plead with my father for work when I couldn't get a job for two months, but he just hired this unskilled/untrained guy at a time he couldn't afford it). He co-signs on another car loan.

What led to the strain, this snap after so many years? Tonight happened, sadly. I called my father, to see where he was. I am not a bowler, I rather dislike it actually, but I wanted to spend time with my dad so I thought going up to the thing he likes to do was a good idea. I call and find out he won;t be making it, because they're all just getting back form the county fair, the same county fair I had talked about going with my mother and sister as a family because it was something we all could enjoy. I was crushed and hurt and just....pathetic really.

I love my father, I do. I just wish I could feel like he loved me just as much as he loves everything else in life.

then again, maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch tonight and need to get over my sad excuse of self. *shrug*

October 1st, 2010

IC: A Lifes Journey

Deep underground lay the legendary Lake of Largesse
in a sodden and shadowy cave.
The dark, damp air undisturbed by recent ingress
of people come to say what they crave.

The mood was now disturbed by a visitor however.
A young mage bent on making his name.
He had sought out this place in his resolve to uncover
the "them" of "us and them" fame.

He had cajoled archdemons and also made threats.
He'd endured the laughs and weathered disgrace
He had questioned his friends and called in all debts
and now here he was in this place.

His journey had taught him not to bypass the obvious
and besides, there was no-one to see.
So he called out "Show me all those covert and devious"
and awaited the results of his plea.

Several minutes passed by before he looked in the lake
and saw nothing more than his reflection.
But he had laid other plans given what was at stake
so it was not yet time for dejection.

He searched in his pack and finally withdrew
some ingredients, and a pestle and mortar
with which he ground them to a powder of purest royal blue.
Then deftly sprinkled it over the water.

Where the powder touched water it burnt with a passion.
That it had worked the mage held no doubt.
But when he looked in the lake his complexion went ashen
for only his reflection gazed out.

He was now left with only one last spell to essay
but this one was powerful indeed
It was a risky proposition. If he erred he would pay
but this spell could do nought but succeed

"Third time is the charm" he said, trying to sound convinced
as he emptied the pack on the ground
For this was the spell he'd dared not cast since
he'd failed it last time around.

He lit candles, wore charms and drew runes on each arm
He scattered more powders with abandon.
Then stepped into the lake and drew a knife down his palm
spilling his own blood in the cavern.

The lake turned red and then started to bubble.
as thunder echoed around.
The floor began to shake, intimating trouble
as he staggered towards drier ground.

But as land and water rapidly subsided, then he knew
he would finally have his revelation.
So he returned to the water and leant over to
see only himself in frustration.

He gained many names as subsequent successes went by
such as "Spellslinger", "Warlock" or "Slayer".
But the one thing he never could understand was why
he never found out who "they" were.

IC: Reflections

Those who have power and no pity,
Who would avenge the right by sword,
And profit from justice,
And do well by doing good;

Those who would gain by others' grief
In the name of freedom,
And allocate the Earth's abundance to themselves,
And allow the marketplace to starve children;

And those who would see such things happen and do nothing:

The mark of Cain is on them,
And on their followers,
And on their generations.

IC: Poetry in Motion

We are all worthy of love , we all deserve to be in a good place.
All the trials and tribulations, they have all been a saving grace.
The good, the bad and the sadness, all invent the lessons we need to learn.
They all contribute to the people we become, they become the traits that we have earned.

We have all done things in our past that make us question our own self worth.
But the person you were isn’t the person you are, look how different you are from birth.
We all grow and we all change, it is inevitable, so people cannot hold you to who you were then,
If you know in your heart you are better and they can’t accept, let them go, they are not your friend.

Not everyone is open minded and forgiving, and that’s their prerogative, but don’t take it to heart.
Sometimes in life we need to let go so we can give ourselves a brand new start.
Don’t hold onto the past, focus on the future, as you will be spending the rest of your life there.
It may be scary, but do what you have to, to be happy, in yourself you should always care

September 29th, 2010

IC: A Mothers Touch

Alfred fidgeted, he always felt uncomfortable in doctor offices. Even though he had volunteered for the therapy, and it was his own Order running the sessions, Alfred was nervous. Hell, maybe because it was his own Order! Nerveless, his feet led him into the small waiting room for his appointment.  It was a soothing, calming room Alfred entered. The earth tones helped him center his emotions, the feng shui of the whole place redirected and displaced his negativity. Well, score one for the Guardians.

Alfred takes a deep breath, taking the young woman's hand and shaking it. He wasn't sure if the assistant had already preformed any mental tricks, but the grip of confidence in his hand (combined with the atmosphere of the room) was already putting Alfred in a calmed state. Following the directions given, he lays back and closes his eyes. Listening to the suggestive and hypnotic voice of the assistant, Alfred couldn't help but allow her to cast the spell over him. I've gone this far...whats the worst that could happen?

Rising up, Alfred saw himself in a different place. A huge ancient door loomed before him, a door he knew he had to open. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the stone slabs slowly forward. Dust crumbled down, stale and old wind seemed to flow from inside the room and cobwebs that had not been disturbed in centuries were ripped away. Within the room was Bree, sitting down and waiting for him in a small white room with the assistant of the good Doctor and a single empty chair. A chair for me.

"Tell us of that dark place. Tell us of where everything started, where everything came from. Tell us of that first dark moment, where everything seemed to spiral away." The assistants voice seemed to reach into his mind, pulling it apart and touching that darkness that Alfred kept hidden.

He could see it now. I was there again, reliving the horrific choice I had to make. The death of my mother, the butchered body left ruined in that flat. I can still smell the rotting flesh, I can still see the tear stains on her cheeks. "M-my mother. She...she died." I just wanted one last chance to say goodbye. Alfred could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, but he managed to contain them.

"Oh my baby boy...I'm so very sorry that you've been hurt so badly." Alfred froze, feeling the gentle touch of his mother stroking his cheeks. Opening his eyes, he looked up into the eyes of his mother. Seeing the same loving look and tender smile he had missed all those years, Alfred only had one option left.

He wept.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alfred dried his eyes, taking a deep breath. It was a private moment, one for just Bree and himself, what occurred between his mother and Alfred. He smiled softly, feeling himself wrapped up in the safe arms of his cousin. She was crying a bit too, but he was pretty sure it was more for seeing how happy Alfred was than anything else. And Alfred was happy, truly. Not only had he received the forgiveness he so desperately needed from his past, he received the greatest gift he could think of.

Alfred could forgive himself.

September 21st, 2010

Odd thought at 2am

For some odd reason, whenever I slip into Alexander's mindset I get so...dom. I hadn't planned on it being that way, its a surprise every time!
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