Log in

No account? Create an account

Rants and Raves

Of cooks and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings

I'm an Attention Whore

Chris J. Canatsey
My other home, go check it out!

Of cooks and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
I've had a lot of time for introspection lately, free time to think be it at my job or in my home. I've been troubled for a little while now in regards to it all, the things I've considered and where my mind has let me wander. I'm not a person of change most of the time, much of my life has been me fighting to keep things static and unmoving, but on random and rare occasions I just need it. I crave change in my life, be it a new place or new job or new clothing style. This is one of these times for me, but I've been actively fighting it for about 2-3 months now.

I'm happy, but then I'm not, with my life. I'm happy with having my own place again, living on my own does wonders for my metal state and self-esteem. I'm happy to have a job and car, they're not ideal of what I'd like but they both get the job done and by golly that's what matters! I'm happy with my girlfriend, sure we have the occasional fight but what couple doesn't? I'm happy with Game over all, and happy with my friends whom I get to see and associate with.

On the other side of the coin I'm unhappy with my job too, I'm not making anywhere near the amount of money I work for and constantly have to take it in the jaw for other peoples issues and mistakes. I'm unhappy that there are times that require me to devote whole days to game related activites, I hate the feeling of if I'm not focused and catching up and handling all these e-mails then I won't get to enjoy Game. I'm unhappy with my self-image, I really want to invest in a new waredrobe and get to losing weight and I'm tired of money/time issues always cropping up. I feel spiritually disconnected, a feeling that even church attendance has been able to rectify.

I really am a creature of habits. I like to go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time, eat at the same time. I like to do the same things on the same days with the same people. The problem is, and I can recgonize this, is that my habits become self-destructive. If I get into habits which are not good for me at all, I keep the cycle going and continue to rev myself ina  downward spiral. I'm utterly afraid of change, I'm terrified of making a mistake and ruining my life. But I can't keep going in this pattern, I can't keep this cycle of being up. I need to focus on myself, be selfish and see to my own needs, if I am ever to be able to help others.

I need to take steps back from Game. I can't fix every issue, and I can't force people to be civilized human beings or responsible. I need to accept this, really really really do. I need to focus on what I have fun with, and step away from the things I don't. I'm cutting Requiem out all together, I have my character that I'm keeping on the books for random con games or the like I feel like attending, but I won't force myself to the local game anymore. I enjoy Storytelling in Mage so I'm gonna keep up on that, as well as do my fun Sparkles RP where I go. I enjoy Toil's personal story, and everytime I've raised my head above the local scene I've bencome sickened. I'm gonna focus on the local Game only for a while, do my Praesidium plans and just enjoy and have fun (zero stress). I adore being in the thick of it with Masquerade, that won't change much though now that I have some reliable minion PC's I think I can relax and not work as hard anymore...I'd like some more good RP scenes like I had the other night with Carmen.

I need to make myself feel good about me again. I'm gonna start light, do some walking as well as basic push-ups/sit-ups. I've considered the P90x that others are working on, but I can't afford all the extra equipment and such right now. I need to focus better on my dietary intake as well. More home cooked meals, more good for you food. Juice is expensive, but from concentrate is far cheaper so I may be going that route. I enjoy cooking meals anyway, so it's not a hardship...I just need to remind myself not to be lazy and buy burgers at mcdonalds because I've had a long day at work :p. Eating better and doing ome basic exercises will get me feeling better about myself, and the money I save on fast food can be aimed at improving and updating my waredrobe.
I need to get school back up and running, this job situation is my fault. I need to get my career going, I need to move on with my life. I'm almost 25 for pete's sake, and I still feel stalled in my life because I've been too afraid of failure. I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, nor am I where I need to be. And I really don't have anyone to blame but myself, sure some situations have contributed but the overall area of blame is with myself being too afraid and comfortable in my safe zone.

I wanna hang out with my friends more, be more social outside of Game. Its hard when a majority of my friends are in the same hobby, we tend to gravitate to topics we all feel comfortable. Maybe I'll start setting up a poker night, or a evening where I gather with my friends and just cook dinner and have a social dinner night like I used to in Gainesville. Maybe I'll set up a DnDnD night (Dungeons and Dragons and Dinner), just to hang with my friends and enjoy each others company.

I need to get my life in order again, to clean it up and put it where I need to put it. I need to feel on an even keel again, like I'm in control again and not passing off the debt and responsibility of my choices unto others. I wanna feel good about myself and life again, because I'm a decent person and gosh darnit I deserve to feel that way. I'm just utterly afraid of taking these steps. I just have to hope I'll have help along the way, because man will I need it >.<.
Powered by LiveJournal.com